


Aftermath

by Garbage_Salad



Series: Post Series Continuation [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (very briefly) - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Familial Love, Family, First Time Gem Fusion, Flashbacks, Gem Fusion, Gen, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Running Away, Self-Hatred, Sibling Relationship, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, death mention, emetophobia tw (very brief), mental health treatment, no romance except a little rupphire, rose is my problematic fave, rupphire being adorable, steven has depression and anxiety obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garbage_Salad/pseuds/Garbage_Salad
Summary: Picks up a few hours after the end of I am my Monster. After becoming human again, Steven must deal with the repercussions of his transformation and the issues that led up to it. He has a series of conversations with his family about what happened and the part they played in his downward spiral. They all want to help, but he's still having a hard time letting others care for him, and his violent pink episodes keep getting worse...
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Bismuth & Steven Universe, Blue Diamond & Steven Universe & White Diamond & Yellow Diamond, Garnet & Steven Universe, Lapis Lazuli & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe, Peridot & Steven Universe, Ruby & Steven Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe), Sapphire & Steven Universe
Series: Post Series Continuation [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760602
Comments: 52
Kudos: 129





	1. Wake Up Call

**Author's Note:**

> So...this is my third ever fic, and my first multi-chapter fic. My first two fics "Shattered" and "Monster" can pretty much be considered as being in the same canon as this one, but they're not essential to read before this.
> 
> I'm super new at this, I had never written fanfiction before and didn't ever plan to, but then some combination of unresolved SUF angst, my new ADHD prescription, and quarantine-brain came together and made this baby. I hope you enjoy it.

When Steven woke up, it was dusk. For a second he thought- _hoped_ -that maybe it had all been a dream. Just a terrible nightmare, like the ones he'd been having more and more frequently over the past few months. A moment later though, he spotted Pearl sitting on the floor against the wall by the stairs, hugging her knees to her chest. He saw the blue blanket on the bed. He saw the cracks in the sliding glass door, the ones he put there when he was... 

_When I lost control._

It wasn't a dream.

He noticed Pearl looking up at him. He tried to pretend he was asleep, but it was too late. She'd already seen his open eyes. "Steven?"

He felt nauseated for a moment. He didn't want to talk to her or anyone else. He was too mortified by what had happened to look anybody in the eye. 

Pearl stood up. "Steven, are you awake? How are you feeling?"

Steven could tell that she knew it was a stupid question, but that she didn't know what else to say.

"Umm...I...don't know?" 

That was the best answer he could give. He could tell her everything, but if he did he knew his gem would react again. Or he could say he was fine, but recent events had convinced him _that_ wasn't such a good idea either. 

Pearl forced a weak smile. "Well...Bismuth is making french toast. Would you like some?"

"I didn't know Bismuth could cook."

"Well, to be honest, she can't. It probably won't be the _best_ french toast you ever had. But don't tell her I said that!" 

They both chuckled softly. It felt nice, to make small talk, to pretend for a moment everything was normal. But that only reminded Steven that things _weren't_ normal. They wouldn't be for a very long time, he thought. Maybe never.

"So what do you say, can I get you anything?" 

"I'm...not hungry. But, thanks Pearl."

"You're welcome. Let me know if you change your mind." She sat back down on the floor.

"Uhh...what are you doing?"

"Oh, um, I...I know you said you don't like me watching you sleep, but, ummm...it was my turn."

"Your...turn?"

"To stay with you. We didn't think you should be alone. We were afraid-" 

She stopped short, like she had said more than she meant to. 

"That...it would happen again?"

"No! Well...I mean, yes...but not _just_ that! Uh, maybe, in case, you um, needed something? Or if you woke up and-and-"

"It's okay Pearl. I get it." 

"I just don't want you to think we're...we're not _afraid_ of you, Steven."

_You should be._

At that point, Steven was afraid of _himself_. But he said nothing, just looked down. He didn't want to say anything else, but the awkward silence was unbearable. So he asked a question.

"Uh...Pearl?"

"Yes?"

"How did I, uh...get here? Back home, I mean."

Pearl looked puzzled. "You...don't remember?"

“It's all a little...fuzzy."

"Oh! of course, I completely understand!"

she said, in that high pitched chipper tone she always used when she was trying to seem normal, but in fact was terrified. 

"Well, after you...um..."

Steven saw her desperately searching for a tactful euphemism for "changed back from a monster into a human."

Steven sighed. "You can just say it, Pearl. You might as well, it's what happened."

Pearl blushed periwinkle blue, and laughed nervously.

"Um, right, well...after you...came back to us-"

_Eh, good enough. she's trying._

"I wrapped you up in a blanket, because you were-" she stopped, her eyes widened.

“Naked?" supplied Steven.

She blushed even darker. 

"Haha...yes, well...um...I wrapped you in a blanket and laid you down, and you were a little out of it, and Connie said we should give you space, so we all backed up, and you came to, and you were a little confused, and..."

He remembered that. He glanced at the blue blanket on the bed. He didn't remember Pearl wrapping him in it, but he remembered waking up already wearing it. 

_Where did it come from?_

Pearl must have gotten it from her gem, he decided. She was like a boy scout, always prepared for anything. 

"...and then Lion showed up and started slobbering all over your face, and I keep _telling_ him how disgusting and unsani...uh, sorry. Getting off topic. Anyway then you, uh, started to...um..."

_Sob._

He remembered that. he had sobbed louder and harder and longer than he ever had before. He’d needed to cry like that for a very long time, but he’d never let himself before. He was a crier, for sure, he cried all the time. But not like _this._ This was different. These bitter, broken tears were coming from deep inside, from a dark place in his mind he never let himself look. He was always afraid of what he might see, if he did. But today, he couldn't _not_ look, because the thing that lived there had already shown itself to him, and it was a giant pink _monster._

And he'd cried, and cried and cried, he cried about everything. he cried about becoming a monster and letting his family down. He cried about what he had done to Jasper, and what he had wanted to do to White Diamond. He cried about when she had taken his gem and he had never felt so scared, so empty...hollow... _lonely_. Missing something, some _one,_ he'd never before realized was there... _himself._ His other half. The best friend he didn’t know he had. And he'd never told anyone this before, but ever since that day, he still felt like there was a missing piece he'd never gotten back.

He cried about cat fingers and the sea spire and that time Pearl had...had just _looked_ at him, holding on for dear life, and _walked away_. He cried about the time he and Peridot had drilled into the Cluster and he had _felt_ it, he felt the excruciating pain and the overwhelming fear that the Cluster felt, and honestly, he thought, sometimes it really sucks to be an empath. He never asked for that. 

He cried about Spinel and how she had hurt his family and hurt him, and how when the gems were all reset he was so scared, so much more than he let on to anyone, that he would never get them back. And he was so angry at what Spinel had done to _him,_ stealing his powers, the ones he'd worked so long and hard to master, and she had dangled him off her injector and he couldn't protect himself, she'd made him feel weak and helpless again like he did when he was a kid...and...and...

And it was all _her_ fault. His mom. He cried so hard when he thought about her, about how much it _hurt_ to both love her and hate her at the same time. How much he wished he could just _pick_ one, it would be so much easier, but he never could. He resented her because he always had to pay for her mistakes and he was so _sick_ of it, and resented her for another reason, too...because he _missed_ her. He had never even met her, but ever since was little he had wished to be held in her arms, even for just a moment. There was a constant longing for her that manifested as an ever-present ache deep in his bones, always there but just subtle enough that he almost never noticed it consciously. And he was mad, _so mad_ at her for not being there, for _leaving_ him, and he knew that wasn't really her fault...but...but...

"Steven?"

Pearl's voice was concerned, maybe a bit panicked.

Steven had been so caught up in thinking about all the things he had cried about, hadn't noticed he was beginning to glow again. He was startled by the sight of his own hands. 

"Huh? Ah! Oh Pearl I'm...I'm sorry...I- I didn't mean to-" 

_**Ugh!** I have to be more careful. I can't let myself get so worked up! At least not until I have this thing under control...if that’s even _ **_possible_** _..._

He tensed up and tried so hard to focus on making it stop, but he didn't know how. It wasn't like his other powers. Nothing he did seemed able to dismiss them. There was a buzzing, whining hum in his ears, and hot, crackling energy radiating through his body. They had become familiar to him by now, but it still scared him, how much power he actually had. He could feel it, the power of a diamond, radiating from his gem throughout his whole body. He didn't think the gems, even Pearl, knew how much power Pink Diamond really had. He didn't either, but he’d suspected for years that it was more, _much_ more than anyone thought. More than he had ever meant to let them see, because he knew it would scare them. He could feel that immense power, tingling and burning, coursing just beneath his skin like an electric current, and it was only growing. He was so scared of how _much_ it was going to grow...

But that was not what scared him the most. What scared him the most is what happened to his _mind_ every time he turned pink. Everything he was feeling was heightened. His senses were more acute, his emotions intensified...and it seemed to get worse every time. He was terrified of how much damage he could do if he ever _really_ lost it. 

Pearl had gotten up and was walking towards the bed. Steven saw a flash-the permanently broken eye of another pearl he knew.

"P-Pearl, no! You shouldn't...you shouldn't be near me, you...you have to go! It's not safe! I can't...you _all_ should just leave! Get as far away from me as you can, and...and..."

But Pearl was already there, sitting beside him on the bed, holding his glowing pink hands in hers. 

"Steven..." 

Her voice was soft and gentle.

"I’m not going _anywhere_. We are _not_ going to leave you, not this time. This has been a serious wake up call for us, Steven. We're not going to leave you to fend for yourself anymore, like we used to when you were-" Her voice broke. Steven looked up to meet her gaze, and saw tears welling in her eyes. She spoke in a low, raspy whisper, choking back tears. "I'm so sorry, Steven."

He was still scared he would hurt her, but the love in her voice, in her eyes, was so intoxicating. He wanted it, he _needed_ it. He needed it so badly. He knew he should tell her to go, to get away, go somewhere safe, safe from him...but he just couldn't bring himself to let go of that love. He began to feel warm, and safe and...and something else, something extraordinary...he was starting to feel almost...normal? 

He looked down, and his hands were Steven-colored again. 

"Oh...oh!" he half-spoke, half whimpered, tears coming to his eyes. "Th-Thank you...thank you, Pearl."

Pearl stroked her fingers through Steven’s dark curls. "Anytime, Steven"

She hugged him, and he hugged her back, weeping on her shoulder. He was embarrassed, but he couldn't help it. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear those words.


	2. No Quick Fixes

Steven awoke early the next morning to the sound of a tiny fist rapping on glass, coming from behind him. A familiar voice spoke:

"Steven! Pssttt, Steven!"

_Peridot?_

"Hey Steven, are you asleep?"

Steven turned over, and sat up. The sun was shining. Peridot was on the balcony, her hands and face pressed against the glass door.

"What...Peridot, what are you doing?"

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah, it's not locked."

She slid open the door and stepped inside Steven’s bedroom.

Steven again noticed the cracked glass, and tried not to think about how guilty he felt. He hoped Peridot wouldn't mention it.

"Hey, what's with the door?" she asked, pointing at it with her left thumb.

_Oh, of course she would._

Steven laughed nervously, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh, the glass? I...uh...broke it...by accident."

Not a lie. But the whole truth hurt too much to say.

"What were you..."

She suddenly looked uncomfortable, like she’d just put together what had happened.

"Uh...nevermind."

 _Man, I must have messed up real bad if even_ **_Peridot_ ** _is walking on eggshells around me..._

Peridot continued, steepling her fingers awkwardly in front of herself.

"Anyway, how...are you _...feeling?"_

She spoke like she was quoting a line from a show. Steven suspected that was where she got most of her ideas about "normal Earth behavior".

"Ahh...a little better, I guess."

_Technically true. About 1% better than yesterday._

"Um...why'd you come in through the balcony?"

She looked nervous, like she'd been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to.

"Um, no reason!"

She glanced at the stairs. Steven knew something was up.

"Peridot, what's going on?"

"Nothing!"

_"Peridot-"_

"Agh, _fine!"_

She sighed, dejected.

"The others wouldn't let me come see you."

" _W_ _hat?_ Why not?"

She rolled her eyes. "They think I'm..." 

She curled her fingers into air-quotes.

"... _’overreacting’_."

"Huh?"

" _Ugh!_ It was _just_ because I hacked into a couple of peer-reviewed medical journals and illegally downloaded a few hundred articles about the most effective..."

"Wait, you-you did _what?_ Why would you...hang on, you know how to _hack_ stuff?"

"Oh, _please_ , their security protocols were rudimentary at best. Any peridot could have done it."

"Oh...okay...but...what...were you doing?"

Peridot began to rant, like she always did when she was excited about a topic.

"I was researching the latest theories and breakthroughs in the field of human behavioral science! I had designed a comprehensive 24-step holistic treatment plan consisting of the most highly-recommended evidence-based practices developed by top professionals in their fields! I even put together highly detailed informational packets for the whole team! But those _clods_ kept saying..." 

"Wait, uh...team?"

"Mmm...that's just what _I_ call it...you know, all of us."

She raised her hands up in front of her as though she were picturing a banner or a marquee.

"Team _‘Steven's Mental Health’_!"

Steven blushed, his eyes widened.

"W-WHAT?"

Suddenly, Garnet's voice came from downstairs. 

"Peridot! We can all hear you! You _know_ you're not supposed to be up there!"

"Eep!" Peridot shrieked. "Uh, bye Steven see you later get well soon!".

Garnet reached the top of the stairs just in time to see Peridot dash through the open glass door and leap off the balcony. 

"Aagghh! I'm sorry Steven" she said, crossing her arms.

"We told her not to say all that stuff to you, we didn't want you to get overwhelmed."

"Uh..." 

This was the first time he'd seen Garnet since the... _i_ _ncident._ His memory was starting to clear up, and he recalled Garnet carrying him home and laying him in his bed, after he'd spent...he didn't even _know_ how long crying about every single bad thing that had ever happened to him, and even a few good ones.

"Anyway, tell me how you're feeling."

"Well...uhh..."

He was running out of palliative non-answers, and he didn't want to lie, but he couldn't tell her everything without getting worked up, but maybe if he could just say _something,_ a single word...

"Bad?"

"I understand. It's going to take time."

Steven had just noticed that no one had been with him like before.

"I thought Pearl said you were all taking turns watching me sleep?" 

"Mmm, that was only for the night. We decided you seemed safe this morning, so we thought you deserved some privacy. But I can stay here with you if you want."

 _“Seemed safe.” She means she used her future vision to make_ **_sure_ ** _I would be safe..._

"Uh, no, that's okay, thanks...but...uh, Garnet?"

"I'm listening, Steven."

"What...did Peridot mean by...'Team Steven's Mental Health'?"

Garnet suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I promise, she's the _only_ one calling it that!"

"Calling _what_ that?"

"You know, all of us." 

"Garnet, _please_."

Garnet sighed. "We didn't want to bring this up before you were ready. We've...we've been talking, all of us. About you. About...everything. We were trying to figure out how to help you."

"Help me with my... _mental health?"_

"I'm sure Peridot made it sound more extreme than it is. We were only talking about finding you a therapist."

"A _therapist_?" Steven wasn't sure how a therapist was supposed to help him control his powers. If the gems didn't know how to fix him, how would a human therapist who knows nothing about gem stuff?

"I'm...I’m not sure _that's_ what I need..."

"You've been through a lot, Steven. More than any one should go through, let alone someone your age." 

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I've got some... _issues,_ sure. I get that. But right _now,_ my problem is I keep turning pink and wrecking stuff, and turning into a monster and, and-"

He saw Jasper's shards in his hand.

He felt a weird, but familiar sensation in his gem. It sort of.. _.itched_. It didn’t really feel _exactly_ like an itch, but that was the closest word he could think of to describe it. He had only recently started noticing it, the last few times he’d glowed pink. It seemed to be something of an early warning sign. He didn't always notice it soon enough, but if he caught it in time...

He took a deep breath and tried to think of something else. 

_Music. Sand. The ocean..._

The itch went away. He felt relieved, and a bit victorious. Maybe he could learn to control this after all, with enough hard work. He was used to that.

"Those two things may not be entirely unrelated." said Garnet.

"What?"

"Your issues may actually be what’s _causing_ the trouble with your powers."

Connie's mom had said something like that. Something about..."trauma"? How everything he had been through, and the way it made him feel, were the reason he kept losing control. 

_Does that mean it’s my fault?_

He tried to ignore that thought.

"Well...maybe..."

"A therapist can help you work out your issues, so you can get better. And when you get better, you'll be more equipped to deal with your powers, and any other problems that come your way..."

_That...that’s not going to-_

"Garnet, that’s not going to _work!_ I don't have _time_ to 'work out my issues'! I don't have time to 'get better'! I've already waited too long to get a handle on this. _Look!"_ He gestured to the broken glass door. "I did that _yesterday_ ! Garnet, it keeps getting stronger! It's just gonna keep getting worse and worse, and I'm gonna keep hurting people and breaking houses if I can't figure this out soon. I need a solution _now!_ "

His gem was itching again but this time he couldn't fight it, there were too many negative thoughts and emotions swirling in his mind. The itch kept getting worse, and his gem was beginning to _vibrate_...

"Steven, there are no quick fixes. If you're not willing to take the time to care for yourself-"

 _She doesn't understand, she’s not listening to me! She thinks she knows everything! But she doesn't know about_ **_this_** _, she can't! There’s no one else in the universe like me-she said so herself! Why does she always have to be right? Why can't she just...just..._

He lit up pink.

"SHUT _UP!!!"_

Too loud. A shockwave emanated from Steven through the room. Everything shook. The walls and ceiling cracked. Garnet almost lost her balance, but she grabbed the wall and remained standing.

Steven gasped. His still-pink hands flew to his mouth, and tears came to his eyes. "Garnet...Garnet I'm so sorry, _I'm so sorry!_ I didn't mean...I...I" he said softly.

Pearl’s voice came from downstairs.

"Garnet, is...everything alright up there?"

She was trying too hard to sound casual. Steven knew she'd felt that, and she was scared. Garnet called down the stairs.

"No worries, Pearl!"

_No worries? Seriously?_

She began to approach the bed, slowly.

_She doesn't want to spook me. Smart._

"It's okay, Steven. It's going to be okay."

"No...it's _not_..." he whimpered, choking back tears. "You don't know what it's _like_ , Garnet! I'm _afraid_ of myself all the time! You guys never have problems controlling your powers like this! You don't have to worry about losing control and hurting somebody just because you're having a bad day! You don't have dangerous powers that act up every time you get upset! _None_ _of you know what this feels like!"_

He buried his face in his hands and wept. He tried to make the glowing stop, but it was useless. His feelings were just too strong. He thought he heard a familiar sound, but it didn't quite register. A soft, calm voice got his attention.

"We do."

_That wasn't Garnet's, voice, that was-_

Steven looked up, and saw who had spoken.

"S-Sapphire...?"

And standing next to her, holding her hand, like always-

"...Ruby...? What are you guys doing here?"

"We know how you feel, Steven," said Sapphire.

"You...you do?"

"Yeah!" Ruby chimed in.

Steven was a little startled to see them, but not unhappy about it. He always loved to see them. The couple approached the bed. They each took one of Steven's hands. 

At that point he was still glowing, but his emotions were no longer so volatile.

"Pearl said this trick worked for her!" said Ruby. Steven was embarrassed. He didn't know Pearl had told them what happened.

 _"Ruby!"_ hissed Sapphire, chiding her wife's indiscretion.

"What?" said Ruby, sounding genuinely confused. 

Steven was still embarrassed, and still scared, but-gosh, they were just so _cute_ together. Steven knew they were always there, technically, as Garnet, but he really did enjoy the moments he spent with them unfused. Steven noticed he was no longer glowing.

"See? Told ya!" said Ruby. Sapphire shot her a look, but she let the matter drop. She had something more important to say.

"Steven, do you remember when we all went to that hotel-"

" _Mo-_ tel _"_ Ruby corrected.

"Right....the motel. In Keystone. Do you remember that, Steven?"

"Course I do." He almost wished he didn't. It was _not_ a fun trip. Then he realized-

"Your...ice powers. You froze the toilet."

"And everything else." said Sapphire, looking ashamed. "I never told you this Steven, but in that moment, I was scared, and I was embarrassed. I was trying so hard to stop the freezing. But I was so worked up over my fight with Ruby, I just couldn't control it. It just kept getting colder and colder. I was looking at the future, when things were okay again. I thought it might help me calm down...but it didn't.” She sighed.

“Steven...what I'm trying to say is, I _do_ understand what you're feeling. And so does Garnet."

Steven thought about this...it wasn't _quite_ the same, her powers were nothing like his, but...she _did_ know how scary and shameful it felt when you lose control because of how you're feeling, and no matter how hard you try, you just _can't_ _shut it off._ It was a huge relief, to know he wasn't completely alone in this.

"Sapphire, I'm so sorry you went through that. I had no idea."

"I was trying to play it cool...no pun intended. I didn't want you to know how much I was struggling. I knew you could tell I was upset, and that's why I was freezing everything, but...I didn't let you see how much I was panicking. I...I acted aloof...I acted like I just didn't care. I was trying not to scare you. But I...I made a mistake, Steven...I hurt you."

"No you didn't! I mean, it was pretty cold, and I had a wet bathing suit on, but-"

"That's not what I meant."

"Huh?"

Sapphire’s voice began to shake. "I said I was fine when I wasn't. I...I ignored the problem and hoped it would just go away by itself...you-" She started crying. "You learned that from _me_ , Steven! Looking back, I'm realizing you were acting just like I did. I failed you, Steven. I'm so sorry."

Steven's gem itched again, seeing Sapphire crying over him. It scared him how much more frequently it was happening, over smaller and smaller things. He was able to calm himself after a moment, and the itching went away. 

"Sapphire, I don't blame you for my problems!"

"Steven, it's okay if you do. And it's okay to _tell_ me if you do!”

Steven suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

_Did I really learn that from her?  
_

He wasn't sure, but if he did then...then maybe...maybe he _did_ blame her, just the tiniest bit. He kind of resented all of the gems, actually, for the various ways they had messed him up. But it made him feel so terrible to think about that. He had always kept those feelings hidden in the place he didn't look. Until yesterday, that is, when everything in that place erupted painfully all at once, out of his back. Nothing could be hidden away anymore, everything he had been avoiding was floating free around his mind now, occasionally bobbing up to the surface, unpredictably...maybe _that's_ why he was turning pink so often. 

He said nothing. He couldn't lie to Sapphire, he couldn't tell her he didn't blame her just the tiniest bit. But he wasn't ready to tell her that he did. He looked down. There was an awkward silence for a few moments, finally ended by Ruby trying to break the tension.

"Well...haha...you know, Sapphire wasn't the only one who wasn't doing so _hot_ that day! Pun _definitely_ intended." she said with a wink.

"Yeah...I remember that too." replied Steven.

"I was _so_ mad! I burned the carpet, I drained the pool..."

"Greg had to pay a fee." added Sapphire.

"Really?"

Ruby blushed. "Uh, yeah. Garnet paid him back though! With interest!" 

"Didn't you wreck a table in that diner, too?"

"Sure did! But that had nothing to do with my, shall we say, _fiery_ temper?" She chuckled and winked again. "That was just me being...you know...me." She played it off as a joke, but Steven could tell she regretted her behavior.

"But yeah, with the whole...burning thing? Wrecking stuff cause you're in a bad mood, _I_ know what that's like, too."

"Garnet knows everything we know, Steven. She _does_ understand how you feel." added Sapphire.

"And it even happened to her once, too! Remember that video game?" said Ruby.

"Oh, don't remind me! There were so many potential futures, Garnet got lost and couldn't find her way back to the present." Sapphire said with a shudder.

"It was pretty scary..." added Ruby.

"But you were there for her, Steven. Just like she'll always be there for you." Sapphire said, smiling. Steven smiled back.

"Hey, thanks for visiting me, you guys."

"Steven, you do know we _live_ here, right? You see Garnet every day." said Sapphire.

"Yeah, I know, but this is different. Sometimes I like hanging out with you guys when you're, just you know...yourselves."

"We like that too, Steven." said Sapphire, smiling. Ruby nodded in agreement. "Maybe we'll try to 'visit' more often!" Sapphire giggled.

"That'd be great." Steven replied.

The two gems clasped hands."Well, it's time for us to be on our way! We love you, Steven!" said Ruby. 

"Bye!" said Sapphire, blowing a kiss. 

And then Garnet was back. "Ha, fooled you!" 

She pointed both thumbs at herself.

"We're both still right here!"

Steven smiled. "Thanks for everything, Garnet." 

"No problemo. I'll let you get some more rest now." She turned to go.

"Okay, thanks...uh, Garnet, wait."

Garnet turned back towards him.

He sighed. "About the stuff you said before, about, you know, therapy and stuff? I'm sorry I shot it down like that."

"That's okay, Steven, I understand. We can talk about it more when you're ready."

"Okay" he said. He still wasn't sure therapy was a good idea. Thinking about it made him very anxious, and he didn’t know why. But he was still willing to at least talk about it, when he was feeling a little better.

"Hey, where did you learn so much about therapy?"

Garnet looked a little embarrassed. "I may or may not have...s _kimmed_ Peridot's informational packet."

Steven laughed. It felt good to laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peridot is fun to write for.


	3. A Little Messed Up

Steven had been laying in bed awake for a while. He wasn't sure how long, but the formerly sunny sky had become overcast, darkening his room. He turned on a lamp and noticed...

_Oh, no..._

It was cracked, from before. But at least it still worked. Steven sighed. He heard a noise from the stairs. Somebody must have seen the light turn on. He hoped it was Garnet, he didn't want to explain the state of the room if it was someone who didn't see it happen. But it wasn't footsteps, it was more like...whirring? And something was flying up the stairwell, and into the room.

_Is that...Dogcopter?_

Oh, of course. He had wondered when she was going to show up.

"Amethyst?"

"Uh, the names Dogcopter, pal." 

Steven sighed and rolled his eyes.

" _Amethyst-"_

" ‘Fraid I don't know anybody by that name, buddy. I'm just your friendly neighborhood Dogcopter, patrolling the streets, looking for troubled teens. Ya seen any?" 

Steven played along. "Nope, but it's nice to meet you. _..Dogcopter._ "

Amethyst laughed her loud, obnoxious laugh. It was music to Steven's ears. Dogcopter came and hovered over the bed, before changing into a glowing blob, and Amethyst plopped down, flat on her back. 

"Haha! I got you, dude!" 

"You sure did!"

“I’m a _master_ of disguise.”

Steven laughed softly. "You know Dogcopter doesn't talk, right?"

"Eh, so I took a few artistic liberties." She sighed, then rolled over to face Steven. "So, what's new with you?"

He gave her a look that said _seriously?,_ but he knew she was just trying to keep things light. She sat up and glanced around at the walls.

_She's not going to say anything, is she? She wouldn't, right?_

_"Love_ what you've done with the place!"

"Uh, thanks." he answered dryly.

_Who was I kidding?_

Steven felt self-conscious, but he also appreciated that she was the only one not treating him like a porcelain doll. 

"Forreal though, you got some _serious_ juice, man!"

Steven wasn't sure if this ribbing was making him feel better or worse. He thought about Ruby, and the way she had spoken about all the stuff she wrecked in Keystone. She was pretty flip about it, she almost seemed _proud_ of herself. Steven knew that was just an act, of course, but maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. He couldn't change what had happened, so why not just...own it? He took a deep breath, plastered on his best phony smile, and spoke with all the half-hearted confidence in his voice that he could muster.

"Uh...haha, yeah. I uh, I really did a number on this place, huh?"

_Not my best work, but it’s a start._

"Bismuth's _really_ gonna have her work cut out for her!" Amethyst responded.

"I'm...I'm a real...bull in a china shop, aren't I?"

"What?"

"Oh, um, it's an expression...it means, uh-"

"Ha, I know, I'm just messing with you, dude." They both laughed.

Suddenly Amethyst looked him dead in the eye, with an unexpectedly earnest look in her face.

"Seriously though, what's going on with you, Steven?"

He was startled by her sudden directness. "Oh...uh...I..." 

He didn't know how to respond. Everyone else had just asked how he was _feeling_. This was different, she wanted to know _everything._ But he still couldn't talk about everything, not without triggering another power surge.

"Uh, well, you know...this" he said, gesturing at the cracked walls.

"Ugh, that's not what I mean. You've been off your game for a _while_ now. What's up with that?"

He hadn't liked to think about it, but he knew she was right.

"Um, I...don't know, to be honest."

"You don't know, or you don't _wanna_ know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you remember, I used to have a lot of, like, stuff? Stuff I didn't wanna think about...stuff about, you know...myself, where I'm from, stuff Pearl and Garnet said about me..."

Steven remembered something he had said all those years ago...

 _"She_ **_can’t!_ ** _She doesn't_ **_wanna_ ** _think about herself!"_

"Oh yeah. I know what you're talking about. All that stuff from when we were kids?"

She gave him a weird look. " _What?"_

Steven caught his mistake, and blushed.

"Oh, I mean...I guess...I guess sometimes I forget you're...you know...old."

"Hey, who you calling _old,_ mister?" 

"You know what I mean. It's just...when... _I..._ was a kid, I always kinda felt like you were my...big sister, I guess? I know you're like, 5,000 years old but...you don't really _act_ like it, you know?"

"Oh _excuse me,_ sir, I am not a _day_ over 4,000!"

They both laughed, and Amethyst flopped back down on her back.

"Haha, fine then. 4,000. But it's just, you know, you were always more like a..."

"A kid?"

"Eh, maybe a teenager?"

"Yeah, that's fair. I _did_ act kinda immature back then. I mean, I'm not exactly a _grandma_ these days, but, yeah. I am a little different now. That's kinda what I was talking about."

"What do you mean?"

"Part of why I acted like that was cus of all that stuff I didn't wanna think about."

"Oh..."

"I mean...I dunno, maybe that's part of your problem, too?"

 _Yikes_ , she was right. She was _so_ right. But he still wasn't ready to open up about all of that.

"Um...I guess? Maybe?"

He paused for a moment, then asked, "So...how did you deal with it?"

"It wasn't easy! It took awhile, and I'm _still_ not all the way there yet..."

"Well, this is a little more...time-sensitive. I mean, _you_ could take the time to work out your issues. You never, like, wrecked a house.”

"Nope. Just a warp pad."

"Huh?"

"Sugilite, remember?"

"That was you _and_ Garnet. This is just me."

"Eh, to be honest, it was mostly me. Me, and all my insecurities, in a giant, super strong body, with zero inhibitions. Recipe for disaster, right there."

Steven thought about his experience the day before...it was almost the same story.

"Ha, tell me about it." he responded.

"I mean, I know it's kinda different. She didn't really, like, _hurt_ anybody, except for fighting with Pearl, but-"

"I got hit in the face with a rock."

Amethyst looked a little shaken by that.

"You _did?_ Aw, man, I didn't know that. I'm sorry bro!" 

"Ah, that's alright. It was a long time ago."

"Yeah but see, that's the thing. Homeworld made me in the kindergarten a long time ago too, like, a _super_ long time ago, but I'm _still_ kinda messed up about it, even now."

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I mean, the Crystal Gems are all about protecting the Earth, right? And I _hurt_ the Earth, just by existing!"

"That wasn't your fault, though! You didn't _mean_ to hurt the Earth!"

Amethyst pointed at the cracked ceiling. "And you didn't _mean_ to do that."

That made Steven smile, and feel just the _tiniest_ bit less ashamed.

"I guess my point is, we're both a little messed up, but that doesn't mean we're not still worth something." 

"Yeah..."

“And...for whatever it’s worth, I always thought of you as a little brother, too.”

“Good to know we’re on the same page.” Steven said with a smile.

They sat in silence for a little while, then Steven asked,

“Are Spinel and the Diamonds still here?”

“Ha, Garnet made them all go back to Homeworld. They wanted to stay but Garnet said they were ‘too high maintenance’.”

“And they just left?’

“Yeah. She actually _yelled_ at them. It was pretty funny.”

"Wow...so what's been going on downstairs? Like, what's everybody doing?"

"Ah, well, last time I checked, I think Garnet was reading something, Pearl was, you know, just being Pearl...Pearling around, Lapis was drawing something, I think Bismuth was trying to make créme brulee, and Peri was in the bathroom on timeout."

"What about my dad? And Connie?"

“Uh, they’re fine...” 

Her response sounded a little off, but Steven didn’t think much of it.

"Uh...did you...happen to see what Garnet was reading?"

"Uh, I dunno, something Peridot gave her..."

Steven sighed. "Was it an _'informational packet?'"_

"Oh, you know about that? Yeah."

" _Ugh_ , did _everyone_ read it?"

"Mmm, not me."

"Really?"

"Nah, bro. I'm totally lying. I read it three times. Didn't understand a word."

Steven chuckled.

"Hmmm...ah...Amethyst...what you think about this whole...therapy thing?"

"I dunno. Can't hurt, right?"

_Oh, it sure could._

"Well...aren't you supposed to talk about...you know, stuff? Like, hard stuff?"

"I guess."

"Cus whenever I try to do that...well, you know."

He pointed at the ceiling.

"Hey, don't worry about it man, we'll figure something out." 

He hoped that was true. He was terrified of what might happen if they _couldn’t “_ figure something out”. He thought about what Volleyball had said, about his mom...

_“You remember how she was, with her destructive powers...she had a scream that could crack the walls...she didn’t mean to hurt me, I was just standing too close that time..."_

Steven grimaced.

 _"I_ **_was_ ** _badly hurt...”_

He hadn’t meant to start thinking about stressful things again, he really hadn’t. 

But now his gem was itching again, and knew he didn't have much time...

 _I can't believe this is happening again! Can't I just get through_ **_one_ ** _conversation without turning into a neon sign? I can’t- I can’t let this happen again...”_

He thought of before, with Pearl, and with Ruby and Sapphire. When they touched him and spoke to him and he felt loved, and safe...

"Amethyst, I need a hug."

"Haha, aww buddy, you getting all sappy on me now?"

His gem was vibrating now, he only had a few seconds left before-

"AMETHYST, _PLEASE!"_

She must have heard the sudden urgency and desperation in his voice, because she shot up into a sitting position, looked at him with startled concern, and threw her arms around his neck.

"Hey, I'm here, man. It's okay, you're okay. Just chill out dude..."

He wasn't sure if she understood what was happening, or just knew from his voice that _something_ was wrong, but it was working. He put his arms around her and pulled her in close, trying not to hyperventilate. The vibrating downgraded to just the itching again. Steven breathed deeply, and tried to just think about the hug, and how much he loved Amethyst, and how much she loved him. He tried to push out everything else and just focus on that moment, the sound of his breathing.

"That's right buddy, just keep breathing, in and out."

And the itching was gone.

He stayed like that another few minutes, just in case, before finally pulling away.

"Thanks, Amethyst."

He wiped tears from his eyes.

"Sure, dude. You okay?"

"Well...not really."

"Man, you must be exhausted, having to deal with _that_ all the time."

_Huh, she must have figured it out..._

"Uh...yeah."

"That sucks, bro."

“Yeah...it really does.”

“Well...don’t worry, we’re gonna figure this out. For now, just eat your breakfast and then we’ll-”

“Breakfast?”

“Yeah, that’s the reason I came up here, to bring you the breakfast Pearl made you.”

“You didn’t bring any breakfast.”

Amethyst looked at her hands, perplexed. Her eyes scanned the room. She suddenly slapped herself on the forehead.

“Aw, man! I knew I was forgetting something! Sorry bro. I’ll go get it.”

“No....wait, I’ll...I’ll come downstairs.”

“You sure you’re ready?”

“Y-Yeah...sure. Just lemme get dressed.”

“Alright dude, see ya down there.”

She jumped off the bed and went down the stairs. Steven took a deep breath, and stood up. He started getting dressed, but then changed his mind. 

_You know, if there was ever a pajama day, this would be it._

When he reached the top of the stairs, his gem started itching, just at the thought of going down there and seeing everyone. He stood there for a few minutes, trying to focus his thoughts. He couldn't get the itch to go away entirely, but it reduced, to being barely noticeable. He decided to give it a shot. He began to descend the staircase when he noticed something odd. The entire inner wall of the front of the house was covered in hastily-draped bed sheets. 

_Wait...why are there..._

His face started feeling hot.

_Oh...oh no..._

He hadn't put it together until now. Of course...the whole front of the house was gone. That was where he had-

Suddenly he remembered his back ripping open, and pain _...searing_ pain, and panic, and guilt, and-

There was no warning this time. He was glowing brighter than ever before, the ringing in his ears was so loud it blocked out any other sounds, everything around him was shaking, cracking...wait...why was everything cracking? Didn’t that only happen when he screamed?

He suddenly realized something he hadn’t before...he _was_ screaming.

Suddenly he was back sitting on the edge of his bed, not sure how he had gotten there. He thought maybe he'd run there at super speed...but it was a blur. He sat there, hands on his head, nails digging into his scalp, eyes squeezed shut, hyperventilating, wailing, rocking back and forth...

_What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO???_

He could barely form a coherent thought. His head was filled with static. Amped up emotions swirled violently into a hurricane, a vortex threatening to suck him in and never let him go. In his mind he started shouting-

_HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!_

Suddenly, a pair of thick, strong arms hoisted him up, and enveloped him in a tight bear hug.

"Hang in there, Meatball, I've gotcha!"

And there were hands, he wasn't sure how many, touching his back, his arms, his head-

He didn't know how long that went on for. Seconds, minutes, hours? He had no idea.

But when it was over he was lightheaded, and he began to lose consciousness. The last thing he saw as his eyes closed was Sapphire, looking more upset than Steven had ever seen her, and holding something small and red in her hand...and it seemed to be _cracked_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* dun dun dun...


	4. Kunzite

_Ruby!_

Steven woke up in his bed, and immediately began glowing. His torso swelled to twice it’s normal size, and he sank down far into the bed.

_Wait, what happened...why am I glowing? I...I did something..._

He remembered Sapphire, the look on her face, the red object in her hand.

 _Ruby! I...I broke Ruby!_ **_NO!!!!_ **

"Hey, Steven, are you okay?"

_Ruby???_

Steven's body went back to normal size and he sat up in bed. Ruby was there, and she had a new look, indicating that she had reformed. He couldn't speak for a few moments, but finally he managed to say, "R-Ruby? I...you were...you _broke!_ I _broke_ you..."

"Well, yeah...but-"

"S-Sorry..." That was all he could say.

_What the heck kind of an apology was THAT?_

"Hey, buddy, don't sweat it! You fixed me up good as new!" 

"Huh?"

"You had tears on your face. Healed me up real nice."

"Uh... but..."

Steven was stunned. Ruby walked over to him. She took one of his hands with both of hers. 

"I'm fine, Steven. Please don't feel bad."

"But..." Steven started crying.

"Ruby! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! _P-Please_ be okay..."

"I _am_ okay."

"But...Mom's pearl! Her first pearl, she broke her! She got fixed but it...it broke her _mind!_ Her eye might never heal because of it!"

"Steven, my eyes are fine! My mind is fine too, and so is the rest of me! Just cus that happened to her doesn't mean it’ll happen to me!"

Steven suddenly remembered when he saw Sapphire...that horrified look on her face. The one _he_ had put there.

"Sapphire...is Sapphire okay? Why aren't you guys fused?"

"She’s fine. She just needed a little time."

"She...she _hates_ me, doesn't she?"

"No, Steven! She doesn't hate you! She's just a little shaken up is all! I'm sure she'll come and see you when she's ready."

"I can't...I can't see her...I can't face her."

"Sure you can!"

"No! Ruby, you don't understand..."

"Steven, we both love you! We could _never_ hate you!"

"Well...she still has to at least be _mad_ at me!"

"She told me she's not. You _know_ she'd never lie to me, Steven."

"I guess..."

"It's _okay_ Steven. It's really not that big a deal."

"Not a big _deal???_ Ruby, I hurt you! I _cracked your gem!_ I could have _shattered_ you, just like I shattered-"

His left leg puffed up, then returned to normal.

"Ah _...owww_!"

He'd told Connie it didn't hurt when his body contorted like that, but he had lied. The truth was, it hurt pretty badly.

"Steven, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay! I'm a menace! I'm a hazard to be around! I'm a _shatterer!_ "

He started weeping into his hands. "Ruby, I...what I said yesterday, about Jasper...nobody has said anything about it..."

"We didn't wanna upset you."

Steven looked up.

"But don't you wanna know what happened?"

"We already do. Amethyst went and talked to her."

"So you know? You all know what I did and you're...you're still here?"

"Of course we are. We love you, Steven."

"How can you love a shatterer?" 

"Steven, would you still love _me_ if I was a shatterer?"

"You would never shatter anybody, Ruby."

"I just mean if I did, you'd still love me, right? Or any of us?"

"I...yeah. I would. I could never stop loving any of you."

"Then you get it."

"I...I guess."

Steven's glow went down.

"There we go. This trick works every time!"

Steven sighed. "Ruby...I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't just keep messing stuff up, and then fixing it...over and over again, forever..."

"Eh...that's not what you said yesterday."

"I was out of control yesterday! I...I don't know _what_ was wrong with me! I keep going over it in my mind...nothing I was saying or doing made any sense, but at the time it _seemed_ like it did. I was _so_ in denial. Like I could just keep walking around like that? All pink and wrecking stuff and everything would go back to normal? I was just...just so _desperate_ I guess. And then when you guys confronted me, I was so freaked out! I just couldn't admit that I wasn't okay because...because once I said it... and you heard it...then it would be _true,_ really true. And I just couldn't handle that thought. So I just denied everything no matter how little sense I was making. Man, I must have sounded like a raving lunatic to you guys..."

"Kinda looked like one too, to be honest."

"When _aren't_ you honest?"

"Eh...sorry."

"I'm just tired of feeling _guilty_ all the time. I mess stuff up...I _hurt_ people, and then I fix it like it never happened...but it _did!_ And I feel so bad, because I never really have to face the consequences! It's not _fair_. Everyone thinks I'm great but I keep _wrecking_ stuff all the time!"

"You're a good person, Steven! We all think so!"

"But you're all _wrong_!"

"See? This is why you gotta go to therapy, Steven!"

"Therapy isn't gonna make me a good person."

"No, it's gonna make you realize you're already a good person! If you hate yourself so much, you gotta let somebody help you!"

"I don't _deserve_ help, Ruby!"

"Yes you _do..._ but look, even if you don’t believe that...Steven, you're _always_ helping people who don't deserve it! How would you feel if they didn't let you?"

"Uh...pretty bad, I guess."

"So let us help you! Do it for us, if you can't do it for yourself! Let us help so...so we can feel _better_ about ourselves!"

“I’ll...think about it...”

Suddenly there was a voice from the stairwell.

"Steven?"

Just _seeing_ Sapphire set off Steven's gem, without any warning. Steven's whole body lit up. He tensed up and started shaking. He felt like he was going to throw up.

"S-Sapphire...I...I'm _sorry_ Sapphire!!! Please forgive me!"

He buried his face in his hands and began weeping again.

“Ruby, give us a minute, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll be downstairs.”

She exited the room, and Sapphire walked a little closer to Steven’s bed.

“Steven?”

Steven did not reply, continuing to cry.

"Steven, _please_ , look at me."

Steven looked up slowly, sniffling.

"Steven, I'm not angry with you."

"What? But...I...I hurt Ruby! I hurt your _wife!"_

"Ruby's fine Steven, and so I am I. And _you're_ going to be fine, too."

"But I saw you! You...I've _never_ seen you look that upset!"

"I _was_ upset. I was...in shock, and I was worried about Ruby, and I _was_ angry...but I wasn't angry with _you_ , Steven! I was angry with _myself._ " 

"Yourself? Why?"

"Because I... _Garnet_ failed to prevent it from happening. She's been spending all her time experimenting with different timelines, but she didn't see this coming at all! And when Ruby got hurt, I felt scared and guilty about what had happened to her...and even _more_ scared and guilty about what was happening to you!"

"Me? But I'm the one who hurt her!"

"That wasn't your fault, Steven! You blaming yourself, that's what I was afraid would happen. But Steven, everything that's been happening to you, it's because you're _sick_. We...we _made_ you sick."

"What are you talking about?"

"We didn't know, Steven. Pearl's been on Boogle all day, doing research, trying to figure out what’s happening to you. We never knew what happened to human children who go through the things you did. We've gotten so complacent lately. Everything's better, there's no more fighting Homeworld or other dangers putting you at risk. We all thought you were okay, because you seemed healthy. But after yesterday, Greg called Connie's mom, and she told him you were sick...in your mind, because you experienced 'severe childhood trauma'. And Pearl found out that, when that happens to a human child, it can continue to affect you as an adult. It makes you sick in how you think, feel, and behave. We _did_ that to you Steven! Because we didn't protect you like we should have!"

"I...I hurt Ruby because...I'm sick?"

"Ruby was injured because you lost control of your powers, and _that_ happened because you're sick." 

"Connie's mom told me about trauma...but I guess I didn't put it together, I didn't know that meant I was... _sick_. What do I have?"

"Only a doctor can say for sure, but Pearl is pretty sure you have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD."

"Whoa, how’d you remember all those big words?"

"Garnet read the information Pearl found several times, and there was some of it in Peridot's research, too."

"Huh, they're both doing an awful lot of _research."_

"They're head gems. That's what they do when they're scared."

"Wait...head gems? You mean cus they have their gems on their heads? I didn't know where your gem is affects your personality! Are all...‘head gems’ like that?"

"Every one I've ever met, at least. And you, you're a _classic_ belly gem. Sweet, good-natured, compassionate..."

"So what about you and Ruby? What's a hand gem's thing?"

Sapphire held her right hand out in front of her, so her gem faced Steven. 

"Hand gems...we're gems of _action_.”

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Huh...no offense, but I've never known you to be particularly...active."

"You haven't met very many sapphires, have you? I've known some who were quite content to stand in one place without moving or speaking for _days_ at a time. When I lived on Homeworld, I was considered practically hyperactive, by sapphire standards."

"Wow, really?"

"Really! And, as a hand gem...I'm going to take action. Steven, do you trust me?"

"Of course!"

"And do you believe that I trust you?"

Steven furrowed his brow in shame. "Well...I...I don't know. I just don't see how you _can_ , after what I did to Ruby..."

"Steven, I'll do whatever it takes to prove that I still trust you...and I think I know how." 

"What's that?"

Sapphire turned her still-raised right hand palm-up, as if to offer for Steven to take it.

"Fuse with me, Steven."

" _What?_ You...you wanna _fuse_? But I..."

Steven felt a knot in the pit of his stomach, stemming from the guilt he still felt. He couldn't understand how Sapphire wasn't mad at him...and now she wanted to _fuse?_ How could she trust him that much, after seeing him completely lose control?

"I...I don't even know if I _can_ fuse when I'm like this!" He gestured to his still-glowing body.

"There's only one way to find out."

"I...don't really feel like dancing right now..."

"I don't think we have to, not if we both want this enough."

_She really wants to do this...well I guess if it’s that important to her..._

"Okay. We can try it.”

“Thank you, Steven.”

“Hey, do you...see us fusing? With your future vision? Is this really going to work?"

Sapphire flashed a knowing smile.

"Absolutely not."

Her smile widened. Steven couldn't see her eye of course, but somehow he could tell she was winking. He smiled back, and took her hand.

"Well then, let's...change the future, I guess? Here goes nothing...”

Steven turned his thoughts to Sapphire, their relationship, how much he loved her. He imagined them fusing, and tried to will that thought into reality. He was just beginning to think it wasn't going to work, when-

_Oh!_

He could feel it begin: his whole body, turning into light. There were no words in the English language to describe how that felt (he was certain of that, he'd checked), but it was _wonderful_. He felt his form starting to change, and his thoughts beginning to effervesce. Sapphire was right, they didn't need to dance, they were dancing together in their minds. And suddenly, he couldn't remember whether he was Steven or Sapphire anymore...

_Huh? We...did we...did I do it?_

The freshly-minted fusion opened her three eyes, and the first thing she knew was that she was a girl. 

_Wait...what?_

It didn't make any sense. Steven was male. Sapphire looked female, but she didn't really have a gender.

_How can I be a girl?_

She couldn’t understand it, but she was certain it was true.

_Incredible! Oh, the ever-whimsical mysteries of fusion..._

She stepped towards Steven's mirror. It was cracked, but she barely noticed. She only saw herself, her new body. Four arms. Two legs. Light purple skin. Long, lightly curled purple hair. At least 10 feet tall. Her eyes were uncovered, which was unusual for Sapphire’s fusions. Her gems were only a slightly darker shade of purple than the rest of her. Sapphire's was on her upper right hand, and Steven’s was exposed by the inverted V-shape the cut into the front of her sparkly, beaded pink and purple top. Steven’s own shirt was little more than an undergarment, not visible under the top. She wore a flowing pink, purple, and teal knee-length skirt. Her shoes were purple and resembled birkenstocks. 

_Why...I'm_ **_beautiful!_ **

She was a bit taken aback by her own thought. Neither Steven nor Sapphire were particularly vain.

_What's my name, what's my name?_

She thought back to long ago, when Sapphire used to fuse with Rose Quartz.

_I didn't know you fused with my mom!_

Wait...yes she did. She knew that. It was _Steven_ who didn't know that. She giggled at how silly her own thoughts were.

_Kunzite. My name is Kunzite._

She felt quite satisfied with her name.

_Wait...I'm not...I'm not glowing anymore...well isn't that just delightful!_

Kunzite noticed how _happy_ everything seemed to make her. It felt nice. She felt more upbeat, more excitable than Sapphire typically did...and she felt more emotionally stable than Steven had felt in a _very_ long time _._

_This is so...GREAT!!!_

Kunzite raced downstairs. She barely noticed how much more severely the room was damaged than it had been before. She wasn't bothered by the bed sheets draped over the front of the house. She grinned when she spotted Ruby sitting on the couch.

"Ruby! Look!"

"Huh? Uh...wait...Steven, Sapphire, is that you?"

Kunzite threw her four arms open wide.

"Kunzite!"

"Wow! You look fantastic, Kunzite!"

"I _know,_ right?"

"Seems like Steven's feeling a lot better!"

"I am! I mean, he is. And guess what? I'm a _girl!"_

" _What_?"

"I don't know! It's crazy, right? Steven's a boy, and Sapphire's not anything! I don't know how or why but...but I just _feel_ like a girl."

"Neat!" exclaimed Ruby, with genuine enthusiasm. “What’s that feel like?”

_“Awesome!”_

Kunzite suddenly gasped. 

"It...it finally happened! I'm a _giant woman!!!"_

Ruby started laughing, and Kunzite joined her.

"Hey, don't forget, Garnet's got a video-chat with Greg and Dr. M in a few minutes."

Kunzite's smile suddenly vanished. Her arms dropped to her sides. Her voice became a bit sad.

"Oh... right...I remember."

"What's the matter, Kunz?

"It's Steven. He doesn't wanna unfuse. He feels so much better than he has in a really long time. He doesn't wanna be just himself again."

Ruby looked awkward, like she didn't know what to say.

"Well...you guys can fuse again later, right?"

"Yeah...I guess so."

Kunzite began to separate, She could feel herself fading, and her happiness with her. Steven reappeared as himself. It almost hurt, suddenly being himself again. But he quickly regained his composure.

"Thank you, Sapphire."

"You're welcome, Steven."

They hugged, and then Ruby and Sapphire fused back into Garnet. Steven slumped into the couch. Garnet smiled. “That was a lot of fun, Steven! Sapphire would love to do it again sometime.”

“Thanks.” said Steven. He was a bit forlorn. He hadn’t realized just _how_ miserable he’d really been all this time. He hadn’t felt as happy as Kunzite was for ages. He hadn’t even remembered it was _possible_ to feel like that.

Looking around, Steven suddenly realized that he and Garnet were the only ones around.

“Hey, uhh...where did everybody go?”

“They’re on the beach, having a family meeting.”

“Shouldn’t you be there?”

“Ruby and Sapphire were on Steven-duty.”

“Not sure I like being considered a... _duty.”_

“It’s just an expression, Steven. Don’t worry, there’s nobody here who doesn’t want to be. I know you’re feeling down on yourself right now, but try to remember that we all love you, just as much as you love us.”

“I...I know. It just feels weird, all this fuss over me.”

“We’re a family, Steven. We'd make just as much fuss if it was any of us in your place. You know that.”

“Yeah. I do.”

Steven asked a question that he had been thinking about for a while.

"Garnet, why...hasn't my dad been up to see me? Or Connie?"

Garnet suddenly looked like a deer in the headlights.

“Oh...well...”

“What?”

"They...they're not here Steven. They left."

" _Left?_ They...they didn't wanna see me? _"_

"Oh, of course they did! They didn't _want_ to leave, Steven...it wasn't their choice...”

“What do you mean?”

“Steven...listen. I...I sent them home."

" _W-What?_ Why?"

"Steven, this...is a gem issue....and they’re not gems..."

"Garnet, what are you _talking_ about? That's never been a problem before! Why would you-"

His heart sank.

"You...you were afraid...they would get hurt. That...I would hurt them..."

Garnet was silent for several seconds before answering.

"This wasn't an easy decision for me to make, Steven. I know how important they are to you. How much you need them here, but...that's exactly _why_ I had to do it. Because you need them. I couldn't take the risk...for your sake, as much as theirs."

There was a question Steven wasn't sure he wanted the answer to, but he couldn't help but ask.

"Garnet...did you see a potential future...where I hurt them?"

Garnet looked down, saying nothing.

"You did, didn't you?"

He could already feel his gem beginning to itch. He didn't even try to fight it this time, he was too stunned. He lit up pink, and began to sink down into the couch. 

"Steven..."

Garnet sat down next to Steven, taking his hands.

"This 'trick' again?"

Garnet looked a little sheepish.

"Ahh...I'm sorry about that Steven...Ruby can be a bit insensitive sometimes. She always means well."

"I know. It was kind of adorable, actually."

"I'll be sure to remember that for next time."

Steven started welling up again.

"Garnet...what am I going to do? I feel like I'm never gonna be okay again...I can't even be around my family without risking their lives..."

"We're going to figure this out, Steven."

"How? You don't have any idea, do you? You all keep telling me it's gonna get better, but none of you actually know _how!"_

"You're right, Steven. We don't know how... _yet._ But we're not giving up on you, not ever. I know it's hard, I know you're panicking, but I _need_ you to trust us. We're going to figure this out. Just let us take care of you."

"I...I don't know how to do that! I've always taken care of you guys!"

"And we _let_ you. That was a serious mistake on our part, Steven. We were supposed to take care of you, but we didn't know how. I wish more than _anything_ we'd known how to be better parents."

"Parents?"

Garnet looked a bit caught off guard.

"Steven, I...I suppose I’ve always thought of you as my son...at least to whatever degree I understood the human concept of a son. As far as I can tell, it's just a little boy you love and care for. And that's what you’ve always been to me."

"Oh Garnet! I...I’ve always seen you as a _mom_ , too. But I didn't know if you felt that way about me, and I was afraid maybe you didn't, so I never asked..."

"I'm sorry, Steven. I should have done more to make sure you knew that."

Steven stopped glowing. Garnet smiled, placing a hand lovingly on Steven’s face.

"I see you're feeling better."

Steven smiled back at her.

"Yeah. Thanks Garnet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of Kunzite? Does she match your idea of what a Steven/Sapphire fusion would be like?


	5. The Crystal Gem Way

The revelation about what Garnet’s vision was too huge to think about. In that moment he forced himself to feel okay, to ignore what she’d seen. He swallowed those feelings down deep. He had to. That dark place where he used to put bad thoughts was gone, blasted open by the monster tearing it’s way out, but he’d already begun building a new one. 

_Probably not healthy. Oh well, doing it anyway. I don’t have anything else._

Suddenly, Peridot appeared from behind a bed sheet.

"Oh, Steven...you're up!"

"Hey, Peridot."

Peridot walked over to Steven and sat down next to him on the couch.

"Garnet, Pearl said I can take a turn with Steven if I 'behave myself'. Which I will." she said, rolling her eyes. 

"If you don't, I'll be the first to know." Said Garnet, touching her visor.

" _Yeah_ , I know."

"Alright then. I have to go, Steven. I’ll see you later."

"Okay. See ya."

Garnet walked over to the front of the house and disappeared behind a sheet.

"I'm sorry about...before." said Peridot.

"I know you were just trying to help me." Steven replied.

“I _was!”_

“I’m not sure you should have done something _illegal_ , though.”

“Steven...”

She looked him directly in the eye.

“Human laws mean less than nothing to me.”

Steven narrowed his gaze.

“Um...noted.”

“But, I _did_ let myself get carried away. I shouldn’t have said all those things to you. They all said you weren’t ready, but I thought I knew better. I hope I didn’t upset you.”

“You...you _did_ upset me.”

Steven was surprised at his own response. He didn’t want Peridot to feel bad, but it suddenly seemed as though his ability to lie for the sake of others’ feelings had completely dried up.

Peridot looked ashamed.

“I’m _so_ sorry, Steven!”

“You _should_ be sorry! I...I wasn’t ready to hear _any_ of that! I got _really_ upset, I...I...”

He looked toward the bed sheet-draped front of the house. It bothered him, but he didn’t turn pink this time.

“ _Aaaggghhh!_ Why am I such a _clod?”_ Peridot tightened her hands into fists out of frustration. Steven suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt.

_Why did I say that? What’s wrong with me? This isn’t me! Steven Universe doesn’t hurt his friends..._

"Oh...I’m-I’m so sorry Peridot! I didn’t mean to make you feel bad!"

“That’s okay Steven. I _should_ feel bad.”

“No! No. I don’t want you to. You just wanted to help. I really appreciate that.” 

Peridot sighed.

“I wanted to help you like you helped me, when I first came to Earth. It was really hard, getting used to it. Everything was so different, and nothing made any sense to me! Even moving around felt super weird at first, without my limb enhancers...but _you_ made it easier. I want things to be _easier_ for you, Steven.”

“Thanks, Peridot.”

They sat in silence for a moment, then Steven spoke up again.

“Hey...do you ever miss them? Your limb enhancers?”

“Eh, sometimes. They _were_ pretty convenient. But..."

She held her hands out in front of her, wiggling her fingers.

"I think I like _this_ better. When I was on Homeworld, I barely ever saw my own hands and feet!”

“That must have been weird.”

“It was normal for me, but...sometimes I would see other gems...like, Era One peridots...who didn’t have to wear them. And sometimes I wished I could just be like them. I wanted to be able to like my body the way it was. And now I _do!_ Because of you, Steven.”

Steven wasn’t sure why, but that made him uncomfortable.

“People are always saying that. How all the good stuff that's happening now, Era Three...it’s all cus of _me."_

"Yeah?"

"But it _wasn’t_ just me! Lots of other gems, and humans...they did most of the work.”

“But you were the _catalyst,_ Steven. It’s okay to be proud of that!”

“But that’s the thing, I’m _not._ I mean...I guess I was for a while, a little, but...a lot of gems treat me like I’m their _..._ their _savior,_ or something. And I don’t wanna be that.”

“Why not? That sounds _great!”_

“It’s a lot of pressure. Now everyone expects all these great things from me. I wish I could just be _myself_ , like I was before all this started. But now, I have to be this amazing person everyone thinks I am. I gotta worry about letting everyone down. Actually I...I feel like I already have let them down...”

“Well, that’s a relief!”

“Huh?”

“Now you don’t have to worry about it anymore! Cus it already happened!”

Steven smiled.

“You’re so _weird_ sometimes _,_ Peridot.”

“Gimme a break, I’m from another planet!”

They both laughed.

 _Well, at least_ **_she_ ** _still likes me the way I am..._

Steven and Peridot sat on the couch and made small talk for another hour and a half, before Bismuth came in.

"Hey, Peri I'm here to- oh, hey there, Meatball! So good to see you up and about!"

_Oh, so she was the one who..._

Steven remembered the big pair of hands that had lifted him up when he was-

_Nope! Better not think about that._

"Hey, Bismuth...uh, I heard you were doing some...experimenting, in the kitchen?"

"I sure have been! Steven, you gotta try my monkey bread!"

Peridot suddenly shot Steven a look that seemed to say _do not eat that under any circumstances._

"Ah..thanks. But...I'm not that hungry."

"Suit yourself. Anyway, Peri, I'm here to relieve you."

“Alright. Nice to see you Steven.”

Peridot got up and started towards the front of the house.

“You...you can stay if you want...”

Steven called after her.

Bismuth spoke up, but she sounded.. _.off_ somehow.

“Eh, no can do, kiddo. Garnet said one at a time, so you don’t get overwhelmed.”

Steven knew that was a lie. The _real_ reason was to minimize the number of potential _victims_ if he blew up again. This thought left a strange heaviness in his chest. His gem itched a little bit, but it quickly passed.

“Okay.” he responded, softly.

He wasn’t sure which was worse, that they were all so afraid of him, or that they were _right_ to be.

“You know...” began Peridot. “...it’s a pretty big double standard, being that Garnet herself is _two_ people. But _she’s_ allowed in here!”

“ _Peridot-_ ” began Bismuth, with a nervous laugh.

 _“Ugh,_ I know, ‘splitting hairs’, right? Whatever _that_ means!”

Peridot lifted a sheet, as Bismuth took a seat next to Steven on the couch.

“Alright, bye Steven. I’ll see ya later. Bizzy, you be sure to keep your eyes on him! Don’t let him wander off!”

“Will do, Dot!”

Peridot was ducked out behind the sheet.

“You guys are really getting into nicknames, huh?”

“You know it, ‘Lil S!”

Steven wrinkled his forehead.

“Uh...you can just keep calling me Steven, if you don't mind.”

Bismuth laughed.

“Alright, alright, you don’t have to tell _me_ twice! So how you been feeling, _Steven_?"

"Uh...weird? Everything's just been...super weird."

"Fair enough. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this trouble."

"I feel like I should be saying sorry to all of you! You're all having to put your lives on hold cus I can't get a grip on myself..."

"We're not 'putting our lives on hold'! Helping each other out when we need it _is_ part of our lives. That's the Crystal Gem way!"

"I know. But I'm used to helping others out. I'm not used to letting others help _me_ out."

"Well now's your chance to _get_ used to it."

"I'm not sure I _want_ to. I don't like this feeling. Being all... _needy_."

"Everyone's needy sometimes. Ain't nothin' wrong with that." 

"It's wrong when it gets people hurt or...or _worse_ ! I _know_ the real reason Garnet's making everyone stay away."

"You do?"

"It's to protect them from _me!_ Because I broke Ruby and I shattered Jasper! I'm not safe to be around!"

He was glowing before he even had time to notice the itch.

"Ugh! You see what I mean? You shouldn't be here, Bismuth. None of you should be near me! I...I should just _go!"_

"Go where? Steven, you're not going anywhere and neither are we. We're gonna figure this out. Everything's gonna turn out alright!"

"Would you all _please stop saying that?"_

"No, we won't! Because it's the truth! If we all gave up on you and ran away, we wouldn't be the Crystal Gems anymore."

"Well if being the Crystal Gems is gonna get you all killed, then maybe you _shouldn't_ be!"

"Come on now, Steven. You don't really mean that."

"I...no, I don't. I guess I just feel like _I'm_ not a Crystal Gem anymore."

"Why not? You're like the poster boy for the Crystal Gems!"

"Because I shatter gems! And I turn into a monster! And I lose control of my stupid diamond powers that I don't even _want!"_

"None of that's your fault. You're not a bad person Steven. You would never hurt anybody on purpose."

"Yes I _would_ ! I...I wanted to! When I was on Homeworld I wanted to shatter White Diamond...I-I almost _did!_ So what does _that_ make me?"

"What does it make _me_ that I wanted to shatter _all_ the Diamonds? And that I tried to shatter _you?_ "

"That's...different."

"Why?"

"It...it just _is."_

“I don’t understand, Steven. How come you can forgive me, but you can forgive yourself?”

“I don’t know! I guess...I just don't wanna let myself get away with things anymore."

"Forgiving yourself isn't the same as letting yourself off the hook. You forgave me for trying to shatter you, but I never took that to mean you were _okay_ with it!"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Steven stopped glowing.

"It seems to me like you hold yourself to a much higher standard than you do everybody else."

"Do I?"

"Yeah. And that's not being fair to yourself, _or_ us!"

"I guess I never realized I did that before..."

"Well now you know. So what are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know. Garnet thinks I need _therapy_."

"Well I don't know much about that, but if Garnet thinks it's a good idea, I'd listen to her."

"It's just...I'm not a normal human with normal human problems. So how's a normal human therapist gonna help me?"

"I don't know. But...I didn't think we could ever liberate Homeworld without shattering the Diamonds. I sure never thought just _talking_ to them would change their minds. But you proved me wrong, Steven. So, maybe there's just things out there that can help us that we'd never think of on our own."

"Like therapy?"

"Maybe. Like I said, I don't know nothin' about it."

He wasn't really sure why he felt so opposed to the idea. The reasons he'd been giving, that it wasn't safe, that a therapist couldn't help him...he _did_ believe those things. But he felt that there was a deeper reason he couldn't quite identify. Or maybe that he didn't _want_ to identify...

They sat in silence for a few moments. Finally Steven said,

"I wish I could just stop being a diamond. I _hate_ it. I hate myself for being one. I like being a gem, but I wish I was just a regular gem like I always thought I was before."

"I get it. I'd feel the same way if it was me. But what you are isn't _who_ you are. That's what Rose always said. Maybe she hated being a diamond, too."

"I think she did. Just one more thing I have common with her. I know we're not the same person, but I feel like I'm becoming more and more like her every day. It freaks me out."

"I thought it was normal for humans to be like their parents."

"It is. But I just don't _wanna_ be like her. I thought _you_ of all people would get that."

"Cus of what she did to me? I guess so. But I've been thinking a lot about that over the last two years. I don't really think she was all bad."

"Really?"

"She started the Crystal Gems. She's the one who told me I could be anything. If she didn't, I guess I'd still be working on Homeworld. I know she made a lot of mistakes, and she _did_ really hurt me, but...I don't know. I don't think I could ever really hate her entirely. I still love her, too."

"So...you're not mad at her anymore?"

"I didn't say that. Sure I'm mad, I probably always will be. I'm just saying, you being like her, it's not the worst thing. You got a lot of her _good_ qualities. She always saw the best in people, like you do."

"Huh...I guess so. 

“You sure you’re not hungry? I can whip up some more french toast!”

Steven actually _was_ pretty hungry, but he didn’t want to hurt Bismuth’s feelings. 

_I’ve hurt enough people already._

“Um, sure.”

Steven ate two pieces of french toast in relative silence. It was dry, burnt and had a funny aftertaste he couldn’t identify. 

“So, what’d you think?”

“Uh, great! I loved it!”

Bismuth beamed.

 _There, see? I’ve still got it._ **_That’s_ ** _what Steven Universe does. He puts others first. He lies if he has to, to keep people happy. He’s a good friend._

Suddenly he felt extremely exhausted. Lately he always seemed to get tired so easily, and so often. “I...I think I’m going to go back to bed for awhile.”

“Okay, I’ll be here if you need anything. Sleep tight buddy!”

He was looking forward to sleeping, to escaping reality for a little while. But as soon as Steven was back in bed, his thoughts started racing. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything that had happened. The people he’d hurt, the things he’s ruined. The fact that no one _blamed_ him for it. Even though he was bad. Even though they'd seen the monster inside him. 

His dad and Connie couldn’t even be there. He thought about calling them. He was sure they were just waiting for him to, whenever he was ready. But he couldn’t talk to them. Not after what Garnet had said. His thoughts about her prediction were leaking out of their hiding place. The unbearable emotions they brought with them-panic, guilt, self loathing-were bubbling to the surface and could no longer be contained. They all _knew_ how dangerous he was, but they stayed anyway. They may have been safe on the beach at the moment, but it couldn’t last. Something was going to happen again, someone else would get hurt. They were scared of him, but they weren’t scared _enough._ Not enough to let themselves see how awful he really was and finally let go of him, to protect themselves. They didn't understand the risk. They never would. They'de seen what he really was, and they didn't care. They were too blinded by guilt. 

And that was going to get them all _killed_. 

Steven suddenly realized something that made his stomach twist and his head start pounding.

He’d made a terrible mistake. He had let himself feel _loved_. It felt _so_ _good_ to be loved, _too_ good. He'd let it get to him. He'd let it keep him from doing what he should have done a long time ago.

 _I've been...I’ve been so_ **_selfish!_ **

He jumped out of bed and ran out onto the balcony towards the warp dome. He went inside and stared at the warp pad for a moment. 

_Okay, then. If they won't save themselves,_ **_I'll do it for them._** _I have to leave. Forever._

He didn't want to go. But he knew he couldn't stay. Because he endangered them. He burdened them. He had dragged them out of their happy new lives. And it was so, so selfish.

At least, that’s what he was telling himself. What Steven couldn’t admit to himself was that the _real_ reason he was running away was because he was scared. He was _so scared_ they would make him go to therapy and talk about how much pain he was in, and he didn’t want to face that pain. But this reason, the real reason, was currently encased in a hard shell of denial. So he convinced himself he was doing it for them.

_So where do I go?_

He'd barely begun to consider his options when he heard someone coming. Several someones. He couldn’t tell who they were.

_Why are they coming here? Are they looking for me?_

His gem started itching madly, worse than ever before. This time, he was sure he couldn’t prevent what was coming. And he wasn’t sure how he knew it, but he was absolutely certain...this one was going to be a _doozy._ This time, it was going to be _too much_. Too much power, to much emotion. And he had only moments to spare. If they came inside, they would be killed. Their gems would turn to dust and nothing in the universe would be able to bring them back. He was sure of it.

 _I...I have to go_ **_now!_ ** _I have to get out of here!_

He made a mad dash for the warp pad. He didn’t know where he was going. He knew the warp system worked on thought, but he didn’t know what place to think of. He hoped it didn’t have to be that specific.

_Just take me somewhere I can’t hurt anybody!_

The warp stream activated, enveloping Steven’s body in light. He wasn’t sure how long he was warping for, but he was already pink by the time he reached his destination. Steven gazed around him at the desolate planet. Dry, brown rocks, a jagged cliff, and a caramel colored sky. It was the ugliest thing he’d ever seen. But at least he could breathe. He’d gotten lucky in that regard, since he’d forgotten to think of that when he was warping.

_Home sweet home._

He hated the place, but he couldn’t help but feel immense relief being there. Knowing there was no one around he could hurt. Steven’s pink reaction seemed to be intensifying twofold with every passing moment. The warp pad beneath his feet was reduced to nothing but a crater. He had been right, this was the big one. It wasn’t as bad as he had feared, though. 

It was _worse._


	6. The Royal We

Steven was glowing so brightly that it was hurting his eyes, which he squeezed tightly shut. He felt his skin tingle, and his blood vessels burn. All his hair stood on end. He felt as though his gem were being turned inside out. It wasn’t exactly painful, it was...something else. Something _worse_ than pain. A strong current of air and pink energy was beginning to swirl around him. Rocks, dust, and debris formed an inescapable vortex. 

_Well, this is new._

The ground was shaking and splitting beneath his feet. This time he really wasn’t screaming.

_I guess that doesn’t matter, if I’m worked up enough._

Steven gripped his head in both hands, and dropped to his knees. He tried so hard to _concentrate_ , to make it all stop, but it was useless. At least there was no one around he could hurt. But how long was this going to last?

 _How did this happen? How did I go from a sweet little kid that loved to help people to..._ ** _this?_ ** _A walking natural disaster with mental problems and an itchy gem?_

He stayed like that for what felt like hours. Just waiting, hoping it would be over soon. He was beginning to think he might actually die. Just drop dead right there. 

_Maybe it would be for the best, if I did.._

_“_ **_STEVEN!"_ **

An unfamiliar voice boomed, louder than thunder. Steven instinctively covered his ears. 

Suddenly his body was being gripped by something large. He was lifted off the ground, the vortex still swirling around him. He opened his eyes to see the most enormous face he'd ever seen. Six eyes...massive hair in an incomprehensible style...and her light-green body, it was roughly a quarter the size of the Metropolitan Tower in Empire City. She had six giant arms, one of which was holding him between two fingers.

**“THERE YOU ARE, STEVEN!”**

“Too...too loud! Please, stop!”

The giant didn’t seem to hear him.

**“WHY DID YOU RUN OFF?”**

"AAAGGGHHHH!!!"

He scrunched up his face, clamping his hands over his ears as firmly as he could. 

"Stop talking! It hurts!"

**“Oh, Steven...we’re so sorry. Is this better?”**

The voice was still very loud, but just this side of tolerable.

“Uhhh...y-yeah...who _are_ you?”

**“Oh...it’s us! The Diamonds!”**

“You...you _fused?_ Why?”

**"Our combined form is strong enough to withstand your power, easily."**

“Why are you here?”

**“We’ve come to bring you home, Steven!”**

_"What?_ Look at me! I can't _leave_ this place! I'm literally exploding right now!"

 **"Oh, Steven. You needn’t worry. You're going to be just** **_fine!"_ **

"What are you _talking_ about? I’ve already hurt people!”

**“We know Steven. But it’s not as bad as it seems. We can help you.”**

Steven thought it was strange that she kept referring to herself as “we”. Most fusions used “I”. 

“You can? How?”

**"Like this."**

The enormous fusion reached pointed the index finger of one of her giant hands towards Steven and began moving it towards him. It was too familiar, and he was suddenly sucked into a memory he hated thinking about...

_Her glowing face, her menacing sneer, her long black nails, a sharp pain in his abdomen.._

_Stop! Please don't hurt me!_

He was startled back to the present by a flash of green light emanating from the giant finger and zapping his stomach. The flash was accompanied by a strange sensation in his gem; a cold, tingling numbness he'd never felt before. 

**"There. See?"**

Steven realized he was no longer glowing, and all his diamond powers had stopped. 

"What happened? What did you do?"

**"Our fusion has the ability to neutralize the power of any gem!"**

"Why didn't you do that when I came to Homeworld before?"

**"The effect is only temporary. It wouldn't have solved your problem."**

"So I still can't leave here! It's just gonna happen again when this wears off."

**"We're not going to leave you here, Steven. We love you."**

_"Don't say that!"_

The numbness in his gem intensified, like his power was trying to activate but couldn't.

**"Why not?"**

Steven flinched. He hadn't meant to say that. He didn’t know why he hated it when they said they loved him. And he wasn’t ready to think about it yet.

"I...I mean...nothing. It's fine."

 **"Let us take you home, Steven. You can’t stay** **_here_ ** **forever!"**

Before Steven could respond, the green behemoth put him down on the ground. She began to glow, and soon the three diamonds he knew reappeared before him. White Diamond spoke first.

"Come now Steven. Our ship is parked over there."

She pointed to a far off spot where Steven hadn't before noticed the diamond ship, sans his legs, was sitting. Steven lifted his shirt and saw that his gem had turned the same green color as the fusion herself. It was a very bizarre thing to see.

"Um...how long will this last?"

"At least a few hours." White responded.

Steven sighed. He didn't want to go with them, but he realized to his chagrin that they were right. He couldn't _really_ stay on that desolate planet forever. 

"I...okay." he said, with a defeated tone.

He began walking behind them towards the ship, gripping his gem in his left hand. Whatever the diamond fusion had done to it felt strange and uncomfortable, like when your leg falls asleep, but he was immensely relieved that his powers were at least temporarily contained. And once they got back to Homeworld, maybe he could find a place to live where he couldn’t hurt anyone.

“How’d you guys know I was here?”

Yellow Diamond responded.

“Your family came to Homeworld to ask for our help. Your Garnet couldn't find you with her future vision, so we sent a technician to extract your location from your warp pad's destination log."

"Oh...I didn't know they had those."

"It's a relatively new feature. Only a few hundred years old." said Yellow.

"What made you guys decide to fuse?"

Blue Diamond answered, "Garnet saw that no one but our fusion would be able to get close to you."

Steven felt horrible. How could he be so broken that only the Diamonds could even survive being near him? The coldness in his gem increased again for a moment.

"No...I meant the first time. Why did you start fusing in the first place?"

White responded, "So many gems on Homeworld have been experimenting with fusion! We wanted to try it for ourselves."

"You were right Steven, it _is_ fun!" exclaimed Blue.

"What do you call her?" 

"Call her? What do you mean?" inquired Yellow.

"Like...what's her name? Most fusions give themselves a name."

"Oh, stars! We didn't know we were supposed to!" said White.

"Well, I guess you don't _have_ to, if you don't-"

"Oh! Can we call her ‘Steven’?" interrupted Blue.

Steven frowned and rolled his eyes. "Um... _no."_

"Oh Blue, don't be silly!” said Yellow. “We already have a Steven! Besides, I think we should call her 'Dorothy'." 

"Where'd you learn a human name?"

"Spinel and I have been sampling Earth entertainment! We have watched a 'movie', and several 'televisions'! We're especially fond of...oh, what was it called? _'The Golden Girls'_. Have you seen it, Steven?"

"Uh...I think I've heard of it..."

"'Dorothy' is my favorite 'golden girl'! She's so _funny_! We should call our fusion 'Dorothy'."

"I like the name 'Dorothy'!" said Blue.

"Uh...most fusions don't use _human_ names, but-"

"Then it's settled! Our fusion will be named 'Dorothy'!" said White, beaming.

It was strange to Steven. As ancient and powerful as they were, the Diamonds were really quite...naive. 

_I guess that explains a lot about Mom.._

They reached the Diamond ship and got inside. The Diamonds chatted amongst themselves, but Steven was silent for most of the trip, plagued by exhaustion and a strange brain fog that seemed to be a side effect of whatever “Dorothy” had done to his gem. When they finally reached their destination and disembarked, He was surprised to find himself back in Beach City.

“Oh, I...I thought you...when you said ‘home’ I thought you were talking about Homeworld."

“Oh no, Steven. We meant _your_ home.” said White.

“But...what’s gonna happen when your new power wears off?”

“Your family will help you. They said they know how." said Blue.

"They do?"

Yellow said, "They want you to try...I think they called it 'therapy'? Do you know what that is, Steven?"

Steven sighed. He was right back where he started.

"Yeah, I do...but it's not gonna help me."

"Your family seemed quite certain it would." replied Blue.

Steven saw Pearl run out of the house.

" _Steven!_ There you are! How could you scare me like that? I'm never letting you out of my sight again!"

"Sorry Pearl."

Steven was too emotionally drained to even argue with her.

The effect on Steven’s gem seemed close to wearing off. The numbness was diminishing, and his mind became clearer. He hadn’t realized until then just how dulled his thoughts and emotions had been by the effect. He was disappointed by this, realizing that Dorothy’s power was not going to be a viable long-term solution. Besides, he couldn’t go to Homeworld every few hours for the rest of his life.

 _“_ Why did you run away again, Steven? Where did you go?”

“I went to an empty planet. I had to.”

“ _Why?”_

“I had to get away from all of you! You wouldn’t _leave!”_

“Why would we leave?”

Steven tightened his hands into fists. He could almost feel his gem itching through the numbness.

" _Aggghhh!_ Nobody _gets_ it! I'm dangerous! People shouldn't be around me!"

"We're not leaving you, Steven! We're going to help you, no matter the risk!"

"But...I'm not _worth_ it, Pearl! I'm not _worth_ the risk!"

"Oh Steven, do you really believe that?"

_"Yes!"_

"But that isn't _true_ , Steven! You _are_ worth it."

_"WELL THEN WHY DO I-”_

He suddenly stopped, looking down at his feet, and biting his bottom lip.

“What is it Steven?” Pearl gently coaxed.

Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes. His voice became soft.

“Why do I feel so _worthless?_ "

Pearl looked sad. She reached out and took one of Steven’s hands. He relaxed his fists.

"Steven...feeling worthless is a symptom of depression. And depression is common when you have a trauma disorder, which we believe you do."

"It...it is? I didn't know that."

"I've been doing a lot of research on the ‘net. I only wish I'd done it sooner. I'm so sorry I let things get this far.” Suddenly her face took on a look of intense resolve, and her voice became filled with determination. “But, I'm doing it _now!_ I'm going to help you, Steven! I'm going to be the kind of mother you deserve!"

Steven raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, I...I mean..." Pearl stammered, suddenly blushing.

"I mean...I know I'm not _really_ your...your _mother_ , but..."

Steven embraced her tightly.

"Yes, you are." he whispered.

When he pulled away, he saw she was crying.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I never...I never felt like I could say that to you before. I know I can never replace..."

She turned her eyes to the temple, up at the face of the original Obsidian.

"She’ll always be my mom, too. But _you_ raised me."

Pearl smiled, and placed a hand lovingly on Steven's cheek.

"We're going to figure this out, Steven. I know you feel hopeless, but that's another symptom. A lot of what you're feeling is part of your illness. Therapy and medication can make you feel better. And you _deserve_ to feel better, Steven."

“But my powers...I keep _hurting_ people! The last time...when I went to that planet, it was because I knew it was going to be the worst one ever, and I was right!”

“Steven, your powers often react to your state of mind. It was so bad that time because you _believed_ it would be. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“You...you really think so?”

“Yes. Your powers aren’t the problem, it’s how you’re _feeling._ That’s what’s triggering this reaction. That’s why you need therapy.”

Steven’s denial was cracking. He started panicking. He didn’t want to go to therapy. He _didn’t want to._ He had to convince them he didn’t need it...

"It’s...I...I don't need _therapy!_ I just...I just need..." 

“Steven-”

_I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m-_

He started laughing nervously. He knew he was starting to act just like he did before his transformation, but he felt like he couldn’t stop.

“N-No, no, it’s fine. I’ll be fine! I’m not...I-I don’t need...”

The itch was breaking through the numbness.

"Steven, if you would just _try_ it, you might..."

_"NO!!!"_

He began glowing, but nothing bad happened. He thought Dorothy's power must still be working to some degree. He dropped to his knees and began crying, wrapping his arms around himself. Pearl knelt down in front of him.

"Pearl, p-please...don't make me go. I don't wanna go!"

He choked the words out though his sobs.

"Why not? What's the matter, Steven?"

"I don't wanna talk about everything I'm feeling...it hurts so much, even _thinking_ about it! I don’t want to _talk_ about it, especially not with some _stranger!_ I just can't do it! I _can’t!_ _Please_ don't make me go!"

Pearl looked a little surprised, but understanding. "No one's trying to _force_ you to go, Steven. We want to _help_ you. We think this is something you really need. And this will be a professional who knows how to help people talk about painful things. I know it's not going to be easy. I have a hard time talking about that kind of thing, too. You know that, you've _seen_ it..."

"But you...you did it. How did you do it?"

"It certainly wasn't pleasant. But I had people that supported me. I had _you._ And that's what made it possible for me. And Steven, you have _us."_

"I'm just not...ready...to deal with all of this."

"Steven, if you don't deal with this now, it's not going to go away on its own. It's just going to keep getting worse. I don't just mean your powers. That's just how your body is reacting to how bad you feel. You shouldn’t have to feel so bad all the time!"

"But...people keep getting hurt! I can't _stand_ it."

" _You're_ hurt, Steven! And _we_ can't stand it. Your feelings matter. I think sometimes we made you feel like they didn't. I'll _never_ forgive myself for that."

Steven wiped his eyes with his fingers. He thought about what Pearl had said. On some level, he _did_ feel like his feelings didn’t matter. He _knew_ it wasn’t true, but it was a feeling that had been with him for a very long time. 

_So they know they messed up...they know they messed_ **_me_ ** _up. And now they want me to go to therapy to fix it. To make themselves feel better. But what if it’s too late? Too late to fix me, too late to go back to being the Steven they want?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow Diamond would totally watch Golden Girls. I'm right and I should say it.


	7. How the Story Ends

Steven woke up the next morning and was startled to see a figure standing over him.

_"Lapis?"_

"Hey."

“What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you. Hope you don't mind I kind of invited myself in."

Steven saw the balcony door was slid open.

"Uh..."

_She sure is a weird one._

"What...did you wanna talk about?"

"Me."

“You?”

“That’s right.”

"Huh. Everyone's been wanting to talk about _me_ lately."

"And you hate that, right?"

"Well...yeah."

"I would, too. That's why I'm gonna talk about myself."

"Um...okay."

"I used to think _I_ was a monster. Sometimes I still do."

"So we're back on me, then, huh?"

"No, we're on _me._ This is _my_ story. Don't interrupt."

"Um...okay. Sorry." replied Steven, sheepishly.

"6,000 years ago, I was just an innocent bystander. I wasn't expecting a war to break out. And when it did, I just wanted to get out of there. But I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got captured and put in a mirror. It was _horrible._ I didn't even know, before that, that anything could feel that bad. Every day some new Homeworld gem would scream questions in my face, and I couldn't answer them. Then I got dropped, and broken. And then I was just...there. Existing, all alone. For millennia. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't do anything but think and feel. And all my thoughts and feelings were bad. I spent every second of every day just wishing I could be free...or dead. I thought it would have been better if I’d been shattered instead of just cracked. Then I could just feel nothing, forever. And then one day I got found by...the Crystal Gems. I had heard about them. I heard they were rebels who had turned against the Diamonds, and vowed to protect the Earth. I couldn't imagine why. But then I heard all these gems were joining them, because their leader said gems should get to make their own choices, and be free. I kinda thought that was cool. I mean, I wasn't gonna join or anything, but you know, still. But then when they found me in my mirror, I thought they were gonna let me go. Cus the Crystal Gems believed all gems should be free, right? But they _didn't_ let me go. So then I thought they were all liars. Just selfish traitors who only pretended to care about other gems. But then one day...I met this kid named Steven...”

Steven sighed, and rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to hear any more about how _great_ they all thought he was.

"Lapis, I get what you’re doing. You don’t have to-”

"Hey, _shut up!_ I'm not done yet."

Steven was a bit startled. None of the others had spoken to him like that. It was actually kind of refreshing.

“Anyway, this kid, Steven...he talked to me like I was a person. Nobody had done that in almost 6,000 years. He said we were friends. I realized he was different then the other Crystal Gems. He really cared. And then he did the one thing I'd been wishing someone would do, every day for as long as I'd been in that mirror. He let me out. I was finally free. And then he healed my gem so I could get home, even after what I did to him and his friends...but when I got back...it wasn't home anymore. I felt so...lost. And then...I got trapped again. Interrogated again. And I got dragged back to the planet I'd been trying to get off of for thousands of years. I was...I think _'furious'_ is too tame a word. It was like all my pain from my entire life, it just exploded out of me, and I...well, that's when I fused with...”

She suddenly paused, looking uncomfortable. 

“...and I took it all out on her. All my pain, and my hatred, and my anger. I just wanted to _hurt_ her. Keep her trapped like I was trapped. It's like I was just reenacting what happened to me, but this time someone else was the victim. And it felt _...exhilarating_. I felt so powerful, after I was helpless for so long. I just _reveled_ in my power, and in her suffering. But the thing is, deep down...I wasn't really happy. I was miserable. I hated myself. And when it was over, the good feelings were gone, and I was left with just the bad ones. And I felt...broken...ruined. You didn't know me before the mirror, but I used to be really different. I was happy, and nice, and other gems always told me I was so... _sweet_. So when I realized I wasn't like that anymore...I didn't think I _mattered_ anymore. And I felt scared all the time, too. I felt like that mirror was always there, just waiting for me, right over my shoulder where I couldn't quite see it. And over the other shoulder was Malachite. I felt...hopeless. But then my friends...they were so nice to me. I felt like I didn't deserve their help, or like they could never understand what I was feeling. But they kept trying. And things started to get a little better. I felt a little happier every day. The pain didn't go away, and I don't think it ever will. But it's gotten easier to live with. These days I'm feeling pretty good most of the time. I still have setbacks. Sometimes I still wanna run away. Sometimes I still wanna hurt people. But all in all...I'm okay. I...I don't really hate myself anymore."

She went silent. Seven was too stunned to say anything.

"Anyway...I’m gonna take off. I just wanted to make sure...you know how the story ends." 

She exited to the balcony. Her water wings unfurled and began flapping, lifting her up a few feet in the air. She turned back to Steven.

"Oh, one more thing though...all that good stuff, my life getting so much better, not hating myself...it never would have happened if I didn't let my friends help me." and with that, she took off into the sky.

Steven sat there with his mouth hanging open for a good minute. He couldn't believe he'd never made the connection before, how similar her story was to his. He started to think about everything that had happened over the past few days. Everyone who had spoken to him, and what they had said. They all wanted to _help_ him, even though he was bad. Even though he didn't deserve it. Even thought he'd hurt people. He hadn't seen it before, but there was something familiar about the whole thing. It was almost as if they were all acting just like...

_Me!_

This revelation caused a tectonic shift in his mind. Thoughts and feelings and beliefs began rearranging themselves into a picture of something that hadn't been there in a long time. It was a picture of... _Steven Universe._

 _They...they're all acting just like me! That's where they learned it...from_ **_me._ **

He was surprised to find tears beginning to well in his eyes. He was even _more_ surprised that these weren't tears of pain, or sadness, or anger, or misery...he was feeling _touched._ His family was showing him love in the best way they knew how...by trying to be more like _him_. And that meant...he couldn't really be that bad, could he? Not if their very definition of love was... _do what Steven would do._

_They love me. They want to do this for me because they love me...like I love them._

It felt amazing, being loved like that. He'd always known he was loved, but for the past few months...or maybe years...he'd been feeling more and more like he didn't deserve it. But maybe that was the point of love, he thought. Maybe it's something you don't deserve, but you get anyway. That kind of love, _his_ kind, he knew it was real _._ They weren’t just trying to soothe their own guilty consciences...they...

_They really want me to feel better!_

This thought smacked him upside the head. It was what they had been telling him all along, but for some reason it just hadn't _clicked_ until that moment. 

_Duh! How could I have ever thought...man, I guess I really_ **_do_ ** _need therapy, huh?_

He thought back to all the times he’d helped them. He was never doing it for himself. He really wanted to make them happy. He really loved them, even when they didn’t deserve it. It was difficult to think of himself that way, as someone worth saving. He’d felt like a worthless phony for so long, he’d gotten used to that being who he was. He hadn't understood why they still cared so much. But now he finally did. He knew what they were feeling. It was the same love he felt for them, and it couldn't be explained. It was miraculous, supernatural.

_Love can't be explained. I don't know why I thought it could._

All this time he'd been trying to figure out _why_ they still loved him. He'd forgotten something he'd learned a long time ago...

 _Love doesn't have an answer...It_ ** _IS_ ** _the answer._

And with that, a decision was made.

 _Okay. I can do this. I...I_ ** _want_** _to_ _do this. I’m going to let them help me...let them love me..._

He took a deep breath.

_Even if that means going to therapy._

Courage. He'd need a lot of courage for that. But he knew he had it in him, somewhere. He'd gone up against all manners of monsters and space tyrants. He wished he could say therapy would be nothing compared to those things, but truthfully, it felt like the scariest thing of all. 

_But I can do it. I'm Steven Universe!_ _And...I’m not alone._

For the first time since this had all started, he was starting to feel just the tiniest bit. _..hopeful_.


	8. As Long as I'm with Me

Steven pulled into a parking space and shut off the engine. “We’re here.”

He forced himself to smile at his passenger, despite how nervous he was feeling.

It felt weird, letting others care for him. Letting them help, without worrying about how  _ they _ were doing. But he was getting used to it. He comforted himself with the idea that, if they had learned all this from him, then it was kind of like he was taking care of himself, indirectly. His younger self was helping out his older self, by teaching his family how to give him what he needed when the time came. 

The decision he'd made to let them help, to accept their love, seemed to lift a huge weight off his shoulders. He noticed he was glowing pink a little less frequently than before. It was still too often to be safe in a therapist's office, though. Fortunately, Garnet had a brilliant idea.

Steven stepped out of the car, and walked around to open the door for his passenger, who asked, "Are you ready, Steven?"

Steven looked at the building, feeling his anxiety beginning to build. His gem was just the tiniest bit itchy.

"No...I'm not."

He held out his hand.

"But she is."

Sapphire took his hand, and they both began to glow bright white. 

Kunzite turned and faced the building, locking up the car as she did so.

_ Alright, am I ready now?  _

Examining how her body felt, she found the anxiety was more subdued, and the itch was gone. 

_ Yes, I think I am. _

It couldn't be like that forever, of course. Eventually, when he was ready, Steven would have to go to therapy on his own. But for the time being, Kunzite’s heightened emotional stability meant she could talk about Steven's issues without destroying the therapist's office. 

She walked toward the door of the small mental health clinic Dr. Maheswaren had recommended and went inside.

The waiting room was small and comfortable. The walls were purple, a shade not too dissimilar from Kunzite herself. The room was adorned with colorful artwork and potted plants. Kunzite smiled brightly.

_ Oh, Stars! What a lovely place! _

Kunzite checked in at the reception desk, took a seat, and waited for her name to be called. She could still feel Steven's anxiety, but it was overshadowed by Sapphire's reassuring presence. Kunzite found herself holding her own hand.

_ Everything is going to be okay. I’m here. _

_ I know.  _

A warm, safe feeling came over her, like Steven and Sapphire were hugging in her mind.

_ As long as I'm here with me...I'll be just fine.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. I hope it was good.
> 
> Yes, I know I use too many italics and ellipses. No, I'm not going to stop.


End file.
